Drunken diplomats could soon be banned from attending United Nations budget negotiation meetings. That’s because earlier this week, the United States put forth a proposal asking the committee to consider prohibiting lushes and boozehounds from disrupting negotiations held by the budget assembly. 

However, U.S. officials say they want to make it perfectly clear that they are not requesting a ban on booze, just a ban on those diplomats who walk into the room falling down drunk.

“While my government is truly grateful for the strategic opportunities presented by some recent past practices, let’s save the champagne for toasting the successful end of the session, and do some credit to the Fifth Committee’s reputation in the process,” Joseph Torsella, Deputy U.S. Ambassador for Management and Reform, announced to the committee.

Currently, negotiations are lasting well into the night, with many days of deliberation taking place in a row so that the committee can cast their vote before ending the session for the holidays. Torsella says that because some people find it difficult to stay sober, the overall air of the meetings has become tense and anxieties are running strong because some diplomats would rather party than show up for negotiations.

“If negotiators do not arrive on time for meetings scheduled on nights and weekends, or simply refuse to meet on a specific item in order to run down the clock, we must conclude that they do not share a commitment to negotiating in good faith, and we will respond accordingly,” said Torsella.

It has been our experience that booze and diplomacy is a wicked paradox; perhaps negotiations would go more smoothly if they armed everyone with switchblades and tossed a couple of hungry tigers in the room?

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