How One KOOL Listener Would Remember Zane Mathews

Let me say right off the top. I have not died. I am as much alive as a guy my age can possibly be. A KOOL 107.9 listener, perhaps in sad anticipation of my demise, wrote a news release about my death a while back and sent it to me. I thought this would be a good time to share it.

The occasion of my sharing this "sad news" is my 14th anniversary with KOOL 107.9. In August of 2003, I signed on doing the afternoon show on KOOL, and here I am more than 3,000 shows later.

Chris is a listener from Glade Park who has gotten to know me pretty well over the years - just from listening to me talk on the radio.  He knows how much I love coffee, golf, spicy chicken sandwiches, how much I hate winter, and despised doing "The World's Greatest Yard Sale."

At some point, Chris realized I couldn't do a show without - at least once - saying "Are you kidding me?" And he's one of the few listeners who figured out I am in fact the son of a preacher.

I can't explain why, but one day, Chris wrote this news release and sent it to me. I thought it was pretty clever, although a bit morbid since I don't like to think about cashing in my chips just yet. I asked him if I could share it with my listeners, and he obliged. So, just in case my obituary doesn't make the newspaper when the time comes, here it is, as written by Chris.

June 19, 2080

It is with a heavy heart we announce that our beloved D.J., Zane Mathews, passed away today at the age of 105. According to Town Square Media employees, it all happened quite suddenly. Zane was in the booth and had just played Katrina and the Waves. He started Son of a Preacher Man and got up to get some more coffee.

There was a loud commotion as Zane stumbled, hit his head on the desk and fell to the floor. The receptionist was quoted as saying she heard Zane moan "Are you kidding me? It's only three more day's till summer!"  Another employee said they thought it was Western Colorado's 'Greatest Hit.' Another witness stated "Looks like Mathews is going to be down in the Kool Klub forever."

Some believe his death at such a young  age may have been attributed to the station bringing back 'The Worlds Greatest Yard Sale.' When asked for comment, program director Ed Chandler said that was ridiculous...but the station is thinking of renaming it "The Zane Mathews Memorial World's Greatest Yard Sale...sponsored by Chick Fil A," providing they can get everything on the banner.

We contacted retired Glade Park weatherman Chris Lightning, who it has long been rumored, was Zane's ghost comedy writer. Chris stated that he always thought Zane would go on the golf course, with a club in his hand, struck by lightning (Chris has a thing for lighting.)  He thought for a minute, and as he choked back the tears said, "Well, maybe dying, playing Son of a Preacher Man, with his insulated coffee mug in his hand, is the way his legion of fans would want to remember him.

Zane is survived by his wife of more years than she cares to remember and several golf courses in the Grand Junction area.

Final Services are on hold until Zane's wife returns from Alaska with their 24-year-old gardener...and Chick-fil-A can come with a Zane's Spicy Sandwich.

In lieu of flowers please send golf balls to those who don't have enough balls to play the way Zane did.

Again I say - as of this writing, I am very much alive.